A letter to 2012

A letter to 2012

Hello 2012,

Yes, here we are. As I sit on the eve of another new year, I have a few words for you. Please sit down; you need to be a good listener right now.

As you came slamming in 365 days ago, I promised that while you “started with a battle,” I was “confident that (you) would see the end of a war.” Contradicting my Pacifist (yes, capital P) beliefs, and desire to live gently in a violent world, you and I both know I wasn’t talking about world events. Still, as the days went by, I DID pray for an end to war, destruction, and the tragedy that plagues this ridiculous world. I begged you to shape the heck up, and you couldn’t listen. Disasters, injustice, and the loss of innocent lives continued. Why couldn’t you just be calm?

At the same time, the war I spoke of raged on. It’s still raging, maybe more now than ever. I’m tired of fighting it, 2012. It makes me physically ill sometimes. Waiting, anticipating, whining, stressing, gossiping, and never addressing the real issues, has left me exhausted. I’m not carrying this into 2013. I have to believe that Jesus didn’t go to the Cross just so I could keep circling the same issues for three years. 2012, I’m tired of crying, and gasping for anxious breath in my sleep. If living by faith means enduring more hurt, or acting in a way that seems “too much,” then that’s what I’ll do. Pease don’t try to remind me of how I failed before, 2012; stay quiet while I try to do better, ok?

In the midst of the upset, you brought so much “new.” A new stepdad, who calls me “daughter,” and loves my mother like she deserves to be loved. Two gorgeous nephews, one on each side of my family, born healthy to parents who cherish them, and do whatever necessary to promise their safety. I found a new job, in an industry I didn’t know existed, but sparks all my passion and allows me to serve others in a practical, intentional way. We even found a new place to live, just a smidge bigger than the last with slightly lower rent. I love you for that.

Maybe each year just magnifies mess ups of the last. This year, I gained weight like it was my job, which certainly wasn’t the case. I gave up on healthy practices that I enjoyed, like blogging, adventurous cooking, thorough budgeting, and reigning in my tongue, in favor of easier roads. I said “we’ll get the budget set next month; today, we’ll buy that (whatever.)” I became friends with the Dominos delivery guy, and spouted off my grief to anyone who would listen. I stopped documenting my life, because I was certain no one would want to hear about it. Never again. Seriously, Lord, never again.

2012, I don’t really know what to say about you. You’re a bit of a bittersweet mess, aren’t you? Maybe you were just what I needed to get my motivation back. Maybe you’ll make me grow up. I refuse to repeat your failures, and thank you for your joys. Now, move along. I hope that “Mayan calendar” gag was fun for you.

All the best,

Alana.

 

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